Extreme Bondage for Roommates

August 30, 2017

You got your roommate. You moved your stuff in. You divided the fridge, assigned chore duties, and scheduled the rent payments. Now you sit awkwardly in opposite corners of the living room texting other people while The Office plays on Netflix.

 

Is this it? Is this all your relationship can be? Do you just keep doing this until one of you makes enough money to move out, or dies in a horrific subway accident?

 

NO. THERE IS MORE. SO MUCH MORE. TRUST ME - YOU CAN HAVE EXTEME BONDAGE.

 

Everyone knows about the lame, overdone methods for bonding with their coworkers, roommates, and friends. They all suck. Escape the Room is unoriginal and tacky. Going paintballing is just alternating your personality between sadism and masochism

 

YOU NEED SOMETHING MORE EXTREME. AND MORE BONDING.

 

 

Here are 3 unconventional activities you can try, in order of extremity:

 

 

1. Take Sailing Lessons

 

 

Okay, admittedly it doesn't involve explosions or ammunition or wild animals. But taking a basic sailing course with your new roommate is a terrific way to learn to work together, collaborate towards a common goal, and appreciate each other's strengths and weaknesses. If you're in New York, try Manhattan Sailing School. For Los Angeles, you can sign up with Blue Pacific Yachting.

 

Nothing brings you closer to a person than desperately heaving in a slippery mainsail as a storm descends from the east and your craft nearly heels over.

 

2. Hunt Boar With Machine Guns From a Helicopter in Texas

 

 

Yes, this is a real thing you can actually do. Unlike sailing lessons, this activity does include explosions, ammunition, and wild animals. 

 

Helibacon offers several packages for up to 2 people in a single chopper. They supply you with the aircraft, a pilot, weapons, and unlimited bullets. Note: this is not kosher. But it is surprisingly environmentally friendly

 

Imagine the smell of all that blood and sweat and bacon grease engulfing you as you fly at top speeds over southwestern prairies spreading lead in volley after volley. If that doesn't bond you, then you're just hopeless.

 

3. Baking Classes

 

 

There is nothing in this world I can imagine that is more intense, more life threatening, and more extreme than working with someone else to bake a cake.

 

The clock is always ticking. You will fight over whether frosting is meant to be spread clockwise or counterclockwise. There will be failed experiments, disappointing textures, and miscalculated ingredients.

 

But eventually, if you keep trying, there will be cake - and you can share that cake with your new roommate. It will bond you so strongly that nothing can pull you asunder. You will choose to live together for the rest of your lives, like I thought my two gay Republican uncles were doing until I was 13 and my mother finally told me they weren't "just roommates". Yes, exactly like that.

 

If you're in New York, try Milk Bar Bakery sponsored by MoMofuku. For Los Angeles, do CozyMeal and choose from plenty of options, including macaroons and brownies. 

 

Good luck with your bondage!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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